fuckin do it

HOW I MET MYSELF

When I met my wife, I wasn’t sure if I was going to marry this woman, but I was sure that I wanted to marry her. She wasn’t sure she would marry me, because she wanted me to be sure of who I was so that she could be certain of the woman she was marrying. On one of our many late-night talks, I confessed to her, that I was so tired of people telling me what they saw when they looked at me. I was tired of her, telling me what she saw when she looked at me. I got enraged because when I looked at me, I saw none of what she was talking about. Far too often I’ve looked in the mirror and asked myself the question,” Who am I?”

With no answer to give, I stared aimlessly at my reflection, as if I was hoping the reflection in the mirror would say something back! It’s been such a battle. I also had to admit that there was a part of me that wanted to say to the future wife,“Baby, I will need your help in finding myself.” But before the thought left my mind and traveled to my mouth, she reminded me gently, “You have to see it for myself.” She said, only then could I become who I really am. That only then, could I own myself.

As we spoke, I took the longest pause. I’m pretty sure she thought I was sleeping. I was flashing back to conversations I had had with a very good friend of mine. I know this man will change the world.  He is brilliant, humble and kind. He wants to make the world a better place. He is hard-working and an all-round amazing guy. His potential is limitless. The fact that he doesn’t quite see it yet is beyond me! I, however, am confident that he will achieve all the things he decides to do. Starting to sound familiar?

 I thought back to what I have always said to myself about him. It is not for him to see. Rather, its for him to decide and be. I know what you’re thinking. Well why don’t I just do exactly that for myself? That’s because I was still unconsciously weighing my options. What was actually transpiring in that very moment, while I was on the phone,  was me getting infuriated with myself. The statement, “You have so much potential,” really pissed me off. I am thirty years old. I am grateful to have potential, but of what use is having potential if it’s not realized? Plus, I’m not getting any younger here.

My problem was that, because I had so much potential I was open to being so many things. I was open to doing “the most”, as us Millenials say. I had not defined myself yet because my options were wide open. I could do anything I wanted and be whoever I chose. I was looking for the world to define me, give me shape, give me purpose, to categorize me, to validate me. What the fuck had I been thinking?! I looked to my whiteboard, where I had my affirmations written, and I saw, “Fucking decide and do it”. I would chuckle at that every time I read it. It is like my subconscious was laughing at me. The answer was there, right in front of my eyes. I figured it out so long ago but didn’t realize. Again, potential not realized. See, I had to define myself by deciding who I wanted to be and then just becoming that. Only I can define myself. Who I am is who I decide to be. Bingo!

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Christina Mitchell. I am a proud Jamaican lesbian woman. I mark the 3rd generation of first daughters in my family line. I am from a line of warrior women. I am a woman that will change the world through serving my community. Through political and social activism I will serve others. I. Am. Black.  Beauty. I am loving and compassionate. I am intelligent.  I am sexy.  I am a voice. I am confident. I am assertive. I am strong. I believe in principles and values. I believe in equality. I believe in people, and I believe that the world can be a better place. Individuals just need to decide to do it! Hello, world, it’s nice to meet you.


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